I got "de-friended" on Facebook last week! My step-daughter decided she did not want her father or I to communicate with her. You see, her father discovered a link to a website that he deemed a bit racy in light of the fact that previously SHE had told him she wanted to make changes in her life and had asked him to give input...which he did, gently I might add!
Unfortunately, she took it all wrong and felt judged. My husband is just about the least judgmental person I know. I thought about it a lot. Sometimes I have felt that way myself...I have taken something wrongly that someone with good intentions said and became offended.
While I am not one to run from confrontation, I am not exactly one to give it an open invitation either. Confrontation, I have decided, is a matter of opinions. Over the years, I have learned some things about being offended. It used to be a real issue with me. I discovered it was because I judged myself. And with that, I found there are only three reasons to be offended.
1. They are right, or probably right, with their opinion, and I know it, but don't agree with them. I don't want to deal with being wrong, or to admit it.
2. They are at least partially right, and I know it. I am willing to admit, only to myself, their rightness. But, I am NOT ready to deal with the fact that they are right nor to make any changes in my life or opinions.
3. It doesn't matter whether they are right or not...it DOES matter that I care more about their opinion than I do the truth!
I wish I had learned those principles many years ago, like when I was about my step-daughter's age. But I think I was probably older by the time the revelation dawned.
Being offended is a choice. Learning from another's opinion is a choice. We can evaluate what they say, and decide whether we agree or not. We can disagree and still not let it affect us or change us. We can agree with similar results. That is what maturity is all about. Becoming comfortable with who we are and what we are becoming. Being willing to be accountable for changes we desire to make in our lives and for the opinions we care to share with those around us.
Being offended builds fences. Not fences that make good neighbors, but fences that keep those who love you just out of reach. Those people who tried to share from their life experiences and hoped to make your life better. Those who hurt when you hurt and know the joys of overcoming in their own lives.
I care deeply about my step-daughter. I am sad that she has decided to be offended rather than talk this out or ask for further explanation. I know it is because she has not yet experienced true love, unconditional love that requires growth. The kind of love that comes from God and from accepting yourself as He accepts you. I pray that she will realize that her father was not judging, but simply trying to help her make choices that will truly enhance her life. I pray that the revelation of the love of God will reach beyond those fences into her spirit. In the meantime, there is comfort in knowing that she is young.
I remember those days...
Monday, August 31, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
A Lost Potential
Yesterday my daughter went to get an ultrasound for her nine-week pregnancy. It was a pregnancy that had not been announced beyond the grandparents and last night was supposed to be the official announcement. I was excited to be the bearer of good news.
But, when my daughter called, she was nor excited at all. She was sobbing. Apparently the fetus (I choose to call a child) had died two weeks ago. Her body had not yet recognized the death so she continued to have all the symptoms, including morning sickness, etc.
This, after having had a miscarriage just prior to getting pregnant with this child. She is a very sensitive young woman, especially when it comes to having a family. She and her husband want to have several children of their own, and then adopt some in need. He is a doctor...a second year resident doctor right now. They are both people of faith.
She wonders why. She is confused. She thought she had inner peace about this one. I am wondering too. I rarely get confused because I have learned the hard way, that God is smarter than I am and has a much bigger picture of life than I do.
But I wonder...who would this child have been? A precious little girl to delight us with her drama? Would she have danced and written stories and poems and sang beautiful songs? Would this child have been a fantastic boy? Would he have discovered some new device or insect or way to defy gravity? We will not know. Wondering will not do us any good either.
It saddens me greatly to have lost this child. But sadder still are the ones lost every day to choices made by their moms. Unwise lifestyle choices. Fear and panic. I understand why someone would be devastated to find themselves pregnant and too fearful to carry it on. But...what are we losing of our future? ARe we losing the very people who may discover cures for diseases ravaging humankind? Could these children be the discoverers, teachers, heroes that now the world we have to survive without? It makes one wonder...
But, when my daughter called, she was nor excited at all. She was sobbing. Apparently the fetus (I choose to call a child) had died two weeks ago. Her body had not yet recognized the death so she continued to have all the symptoms, including morning sickness, etc.
This, after having had a miscarriage just prior to getting pregnant with this child. She is a very sensitive young woman, especially when it comes to having a family. She and her husband want to have several children of their own, and then adopt some in need. He is a doctor...a second year resident doctor right now. They are both people of faith.
She wonders why. She is confused. She thought she had inner peace about this one. I am wondering too. I rarely get confused because I have learned the hard way, that God is smarter than I am and has a much bigger picture of life than I do.
But I wonder...who would this child have been? A precious little girl to delight us with her drama? Would she have danced and written stories and poems and sang beautiful songs? Would this child have been a fantastic boy? Would he have discovered some new device or insect or way to defy gravity? We will not know. Wondering will not do us any good either.
It saddens me greatly to have lost this child. But sadder still are the ones lost every day to choices made by their moms. Unwise lifestyle choices. Fear and panic. I understand why someone would be devastated to find themselves pregnant and too fearful to carry it on. But...what are we losing of our future? ARe we losing the very people who may discover cures for diseases ravaging humankind? Could these children be the discoverers, teachers, heroes that now the world we have to survive without? It makes one wonder...
Friday, August 14, 2009
It's Great to Be Alive!
Yesterday was my husband's birthday. I told him I was glad that he was born. And I am. And we enjoyed an evening with our family to celebrate.
I recalled that it was only a few years ago that I had the possibility of not experiencing my next birthday. I had a suspicious lump that the doctors said had the possiblities of being a problematic tumor that could result in a serious illness from which few had recovered. It also had the possiblity of being a benign lump, that, though it would require surgery, should result in no complications whatsoever. It was only a few days between understanding the possibilities and receiving the test results that mine was, thankfully, the latter.
But those few days were hard to handle. I thought I was prepared to die. I am comfortable with my relationship with God, at peace with my family, had no "unfinished business" that I could recall. And yet, I was afraid. It was more the fear of not being there for my kids and grandkids, of not having accomplished all that I was meant to, of having lived "unremarkably". Interesting.
My first thoughts were "It's not fair! I am not very old!" And then the thoughts came racing in "Why is it not fair? How many others have died even younger than you?" Wow! It was so true! Why not me? I had already outlived my own birth mother by 10 years! And my favorite cousin, by five. And several of my good friends. And a precious little boy I had known.
Thus began a "ritual" that I do to this day. Perhpas I should not say that it is a daily thing, but I will admit that I do it more days than not. I read the Obituaries. I used to do it occasionally to see if any of the elderly I used to work with were listed. But after those thought disturbed my pity party, I read it more carefully, counting and reading in detail, those that are younger than I. I add a prayer for their families.
Just last week I was shocked at this routine. That may have been just what it had become...a routine. That particular day, there were about 30 names or so in the column with 14 of them being younger than I! (As well as a few without any ages listed at all.) The disturbing part for me, however, was not the number of younger people, but rather that half, yes 50% of them were listed as "if anyone has any information, please call....". This is what the funeral homes post when there is no next of kin to contact. I know this from my previous line of work. How sad! Not only had these people lost their lives at ages younger than I am, but they had lost them alone.
Oh, I know their families all had their reasons for the disconnections. Perhaps it was even the deceased one's request to be estranged from the family. Or maybe they had just disappeared. Addictions and poor life-style choices do that to people. But no one plans to become homeless or disconnected from loved ones. No one is born wanting to be a loner.
Perhaps, for whatever reason, they were just lost souls. Or maybe they were trying to relocate and never made the right connections. Most often, causes of death are not listed...especially for those without connections, in the newspaper notices.
So, I prayed...for the families who will find they do have "unfinished business" to contend with. For friends who wish and wish they had tried harder to help. For the other people with whom these were acquainted. And I prayed that these families and friends would put aside the differences and the potential "cost" worries and do the right thing and make that call...
And I am very glad to be alive!!!
I recalled that it was only a few years ago that I had the possibility of not experiencing my next birthday. I had a suspicious lump that the doctors said had the possiblities of being a problematic tumor that could result in a serious illness from which few had recovered. It also had the possiblity of being a benign lump, that, though it would require surgery, should result in no complications whatsoever. It was only a few days between understanding the possibilities and receiving the test results that mine was, thankfully, the latter.
But those few days were hard to handle. I thought I was prepared to die. I am comfortable with my relationship with God, at peace with my family, had no "unfinished business" that I could recall. And yet, I was afraid. It was more the fear of not being there for my kids and grandkids, of not having accomplished all that I was meant to, of having lived "unremarkably". Interesting.
My first thoughts were "It's not fair! I am not very old!" And then the thoughts came racing in "Why is it not fair? How many others have died even younger than you?" Wow! It was so true! Why not me? I had already outlived my own birth mother by 10 years! And my favorite cousin, by five. And several of my good friends. And a precious little boy I had known.
Thus began a "ritual" that I do to this day. Perhpas I should not say that it is a daily thing, but I will admit that I do it more days than not. I read the Obituaries. I used to do it occasionally to see if any of the elderly I used to work with were listed. But after those thought disturbed my pity party, I read it more carefully, counting and reading in detail, those that are younger than I. I add a prayer for their families.
Just last week I was shocked at this routine. That may have been just what it had become...a routine. That particular day, there were about 30 names or so in the column with 14 of them being younger than I! (As well as a few without any ages listed at all.) The disturbing part for me, however, was not the number of younger people, but rather that half, yes 50% of them were listed as "if anyone has any information, please call....". This is what the funeral homes post when there is no next of kin to contact. I know this from my previous line of work. How sad! Not only had these people lost their lives at ages younger than I am, but they had lost them alone.
Oh, I know their families all had their reasons for the disconnections. Perhaps it was even the deceased one's request to be estranged from the family. Or maybe they had just disappeared. Addictions and poor life-style choices do that to people. But no one plans to become homeless or disconnected from loved ones. No one is born wanting to be a loner.
Perhaps, for whatever reason, they were just lost souls. Or maybe they were trying to relocate and never made the right connections. Most often, causes of death are not listed...especially for those without connections, in the newspaper notices.
So, I prayed...for the families who will find they do have "unfinished business" to contend with. For friends who wish and wish they had tried harder to help. For the other people with whom these were acquainted. And I prayed that these families and friends would put aside the differences and the potential "cost" worries and do the right thing and make that call...
And I am very glad to be alive!!!
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